Sooner Or Later (Soren's Song)

Listen here

Come back and haunt me
Follow me home
Give me a motive
Swallow me whole

They say I've lost it
What could I know
When I'm but a mockery?
I'm so alone

Sooner or later you'll find out
There's a hole in the wall

Today is ours
Condemned to be free
Free to keep breathing
Free to believe

I look to find you
Down on my knees
Oh God, I believe!
Please help me believe

Sooner or later they'll find out
There's a hole in the wall
Sooner or later you'll find out
That you'll dream to be that small


I gave it all away and lost who I am
I threw it all away
With everything to gain
And I'm taking the leap
With dreams of shrinking

Come back and haunt me
Follow me home
Give me a motive
Swallow me whole

Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/switchfoot-lyrics-sooner-or-later-sorens-song-1gvt57t#ixzz1mCutfuJ0

Grant me Wisdom

You cannot grow in the great art form, the integration of action and contemplation, without 1) a strong tolerance for ambiguity; 2) an ability to allow, forgive, and contain a certain degree of anxiety; and 3) a willingness to not know and not even need to know. This is how you allow and encounter mystery. 

All else is mere religion.

- Richard Rohr

The Friday that was Good

But he was pierced for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought our peace was on him; and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

Happy Valentine's Day: What I'm learning about love..

Happy Valentine's Day! 

I think I just had the best Valentine's Day weekend ever (so far).  Friday night I came home from school sick and exhausted and spent the evening watching cake-themed reality TV and Skyping friends a world away.  Lesson: love can travel many miles.

Saturday morning I did pretty much the same thing as I recovered from illness.  I did the only natural thing when you're too tired to do anything else and are bored of cake:  I painted my nails.  Photographic evidence to come.  

Saturday night some of my friends hosted a Galentine's Day party.  Without giving too much away for the male audience (after all, this was a gal's only affair), let's just say the sugar cookies, brownies, asiago and garlic dip, tea and conversation made for one of the best nights out I've had in a while.  We left happy with party favors.  Lesson: tea and friends cure both the common cold and tired hearts.

Sunday afternoon we had church and then the youth group Valentine's Day party.  We watched The Princess Bride and ate a romantic spaghetti dinner.  After the movie we talked about promises, how Buttercup doubted that Wesley would return after 5 long years, and how we can keep the faith that Jesus said he would return even after 2,000 years.  I am constantly amazed at what comes out of the mouths of babes.  Lesson: God's love never fails.

And the final thing about love I've learned over the past few months...

Love is different than you'd think 
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think
(Caedmon's Call)

Evening Prayer

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see—
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour;
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Fount of Every...

Good morning (yawn).

My mom sometimes does this thing where she wakes you up by reading a devotional while you're still snuggled in bed.  This morning I caught about 73% of what she was saying and it was about blessings.  Then I went back to sleep for another hour.

But I'm still thinking about blessings.  There are literally hundreds of good things that happen to me every day, but it's only till something goes wrong that I usually acknowledge God as the source of all good things.  Then, it's like "Um? Excuse me?  Where aren't you fixing things?"  I need to adjust my glass to half-full mode more often.  Here are a few things I'm thankful for this morning.

1. Coffee.
2. Talking on the phone with friends
3. Getting letters and packages
4. Being healthy
5. Not having to get a new passport till 2015!

What blessings are you thankful for this morning?

The Summer Search

The theme of this summer has been seeing where God is working and join in, for however long I am there.  Traveling around (a lot!), I've seen Jesus in a youth community center, in a hospital waiting room, and in the blessed union of marriage.

But I never really expected to see Him like this.  I had anticipated a few weeks of relaxing, spending time with family, and maybe finding another organization to volunteer with.

Ever since Grandma hurt her ankle, I've gotten a much bigger feel for how her life goes.  It's to the tune of mowing the lawn, gardening, taking care of the dog, helping grandpa to the bathroom and with most everything else, making and serving dinner, clearing away dishes, and a million other little things.  I don't know what she would do if my mom weren't here now. 

And now, as I sit eating dinner in front of a TV watching The Lawrence Welk Show and British comedies on PBS, I know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Many thanks to, Anna, who teaches me to see Jesus in unlikely places.

PS I don't think American TV from 1967 was much different from what they were seeing in the Soviet Union.  Ah, it never gets old.

Unholy Contact

When I was in 9th grade I went to a youth group in Beijing called Potter's Wheel.  At one Wednesday night meeting we were supposed to discuss in small groups things that made us feel "holy" or "unholy."  Then we all came back and talked about it with everyone.

The most common answers for "holy" were things like reading your Bible, praying, talking to friends about God, etc.  For "unholy," people said things like sinning, lying, and forgetting to read your Bible.  Except for one guy, whose answer I'll always remember.  He said, "I feel unholy when I have a contact that won't go in."  I thought that is so true!

I woke up this morning about 20 minutes before we all went to church.  I seriously needed coffee and my right contact wouldn't go in.  Well, it went in, but hurt like crazy and I didn't have time to go into battle with it right then.  So I drove to church (one-eyed) with my cousin Renee and was kind of out of it the whole service.  Then we went to Sunday School and I still hadn't fully woken up.  And my eye still hurt.

After that we had only a couple of minutes before we had to rush over to Maple Street Baptist, the church that sponsors Joshua Christian Academy, so that my cousin Abby could recite some verses with other students for their service.  The kids did a fantastic job (I'm not sure I can recite the 10 Commandments, Psalms 1 and 23, and sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic!).  But I was in a really bad mood and felt incredibly impatient with the kids.  Despite it being Sunday and going to 2 churches,  I felt quite unholy.  On the drive home, I had to take a few deep breaths and assess the situation.  Why was I feeling so crabby?  Was I having a spiritual crisis?  What was the real problem?

The answer: my unholy contact.

Once I had identified that as the main cause of my anxiety, it was a lot easier to deal with everything.  I've even had a pretty good day since then.  I didn't feel holy (or happy), but that didn't mean that something was deeply wrong.  It was just a matter of not freaking out over how I was feeling and addressing the real problem, which was easily fixed. 

So what makes you feel unholy?  What do you do about it?

FFY Country Store Day

On Thursdays, the Freedom Store at Freedom for Youth is open for members of the community to shop.  Clients can come early and get a number, or get one as they arrive.  Everything is free, but can only take a limited number of items.  The store has two parts: a food pantry and a clothing section.  About 10 people can enter for 10 minutes, and can choose 10 clothing items and 5 pantry items + bread.  Outside is a table of items they can take without a limit. 

I wasn't sure what to expect as we were setting up.  My job was to watch one section of the room and when each group's time was up, to count and bag items.  The first group to enter was almost all African and Asian mothers with babies strapped on with long strips of cloth.  Adorable babies.  Throughout the day, they made up the majority of shoppers .  I even got to hold a little Hispanic baby while her mother shopped.  Children and teens get to go to the store on Wednesdays and get 3 items, so they aren't allowed on Thursdays unless they're really small.

If I lived in the US, I'd enroll in Spanish classes right now.  It was difficult to tell which clients were able to speak English at all, so most interactions were conducted with sign language.  I used up the entirety of my Spanish in about 3 seconds ("Hola!" count to 10, "Otra mas" if they didn't have 10, "Gracias," y "Adios!").  I dropped a couple of "Da's" though, instead of "Si's".  But I'm sure speakers of dozens of other languages came in.  Ah, if I could have any super power, it would be to speak every language. 

PS Later on we did hip hop abs again... this time the teenage girls even brought DVDs!

Freedom for Youth

My cousin, Becca, is a Christian Ministry major and is doing a summer internship at an organization called Freedom for Youth.  I'm tagging along with her this week.  Their Freedom Center campus is so cool.  I'm amazed at how beautiful the buildings and everything look; I was assured that God is responsible for the design because he provided the right landscapers.  It is located in a shady part of town, but once you enter the property, it looks like a little old Western town.  It truly is a safe refuge.  

Shops and the Art Studio; These buildings here are used for Freedom Quest (teenagers) classes during the school year, such as pottery, bicycle repair, wood-shop, metal works, gardening, drama, etc. 

Sonshine Kidz is the summer program for elementary aged children.  It is held every Mon, Tues, and Wed from 11am-1pm.  I can't post any pictures of the children, but believe me, they're adorable.  There are mainly African American, Hispanic, and newly immigrated (so far, I've met kids from Kenya and Tanzania).  The kids arrive and we eat lunch (delivered every day by the grace of God), hear a Bible lesson, play games outside, and spend time reading.  I especially like the emphasis on reading and writing.  Today, we played with chalk.

Can you tell which one is me?

After Sonshine Kidz, the teenagers came in the afternoon to earn "Sweat Points" for summer camp.  I think they need to earn 30 points (hours) to go, and they do jobs around the campus to earn them.  I weeded for a few hours with a group of them and got a little sunburned.  Two of the girls taught Becca and me a routine from a workout dvd called Hip-Hop Abs.  I'm working on a dance move called the Washing Machine and I'll leave it up to your imagination as to what all that entails.

Freedom for Youth was founded in 2003 and they acquired this property in 2006.  They meet so many needs, including homework help, mentoring, skills classes, chapels, feeding program, community closet, and even transitional living for 18-22 yr olds.  The kids are given the opportunity to sell the what they make in class (metalwork, woodwork, pottery) a few times a year at a Country Market.  After spending time at the campus, I can tell that the staff and volunteers are relying on God to meet all their needs and keeping him in the center of what they do.  It all seems so simple there.  Do God's will and have faith that things will work out as long as he wills.

I loved being with 11-15 year olds again.  I need to keep my "teacher edge" even in the summer ;-)  We shared stories about our lives, and even talked about the effects of the fall of communism in Russia.  It was awesome.  Even having to reprimand a few girls for bringing a water fight indoors felt so natural to me and not burdensome.

Today took a lot of energy, but I felt like I was exactly where I'm supposed to be.  Even if it's only for this week.  God is at work all over the world.  He really is the best volunteer organizer, with a global network of people moving all the time.  I'm so encouraged to see a place functioning so well and making a tangible difference in a community.  The people I have met here are truly Spirit-filled and have left me longing for more of that in my life.

Omaha/somewhere in middle America

Rebecca got married!  It was such a beautiful wedding, one that reflected the bride & groom's personalities and recognized God as the center of their love.  It was a reunion for old friends who have graduated and gone on their way, and a time to meet new friends who all share a love for Ru and the Sailor.  This was the first romance I've seen from start to finish, I thought as they went through the slide show of the two of them growing up and meeting.  I remembered vividly when many of the photos were taken, and even took a few of them.  I remembered what was going on in my life then.  They have a beautiful love and I'm excited for what is in store for them!  Congratulations David and Rebecca!

They also had a photobooth at the reception, which is just the greatest idea ever.

just because

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

ee cummings

Vignettes of this Weekend

Friday
Student: You suck (to another student).
Teacher (Me): That's unkind.
Student: Ok you're awesome, just not literally.
(I have a whole collection of student quotes)

30 minutes of unneeded traffic in a stuffy, hot, rickety маршрутка.  Wished someone else could be with me and share the danger.  Arrived home 40 minutes before my party was going to start and all I had made was the Sangria.  At least I know how to prioritize.  

Party of the Century!  One of the Beatles, a few hippies, a grunge rocker from the 1990, both 1950s housewives and working women, a 1970s Vogue model, and country club couple from the '80s showed up and we had a parade.


Saturday
Stupid Pokrovsky shuttle bus that I keep missing and only comes every hour on the half-hour on Saturdays.  Stupid construction at Сокол and how long it takes to get to the metro.

Strolling down Tverskoi Bulivar in springtime on a Saturday is Moscow at its best.  About 50 Zombies walked by me too.  One yelled out in Russian that I looked sweet. 

Ms. Scarlet in the lounge with the revolver.  And then in the conservatory with a rope.

All you have to do to make friends is say "How I Met Your Mother" in a crowded room and like-minded fans will immediately voice their fanaticism and then you'll have a whole conversation with quotes.

Sunday
Rain??? How long has it been since I've seen rain?!?  With thunder and lightening and flooding streets!  Oh it only lasted 20 minutes.

Kofemania is craaazy expensive, but I can't stop going there.  Two weeks ago I had the best latte of my entire life and today I tried an iced coffee with fresh orange juice.  Surprisingly perfect for reading a book on the outdoor patio.

What is discipleship?  Is it an opportunity or an obligation?  I love being a Sunday school teacher.  I just forget sometimes.  Colossians 3:12-17

I just lit some candles in the kitchen and sat down to blog.  And then I started talking to people and a few hours passed.  I am ready for this week.  Bring it.

Христос воскрес!

bedtime yet?

The sun is now rising more than 10 minutes than it was 2 weeks ago. I always liked autumn better (or the fall semester, in college-speak), but the spring definitely has its bright charm. Like the sun rising earlier. Unfortunately it also brings allergies, the reason why my face is so itchy now. But it also brings rain, which reminds me of God's forgiveness.

On Sunday I went to Indy Alliance (an hour late but they were still deep in worship-- my kind of place). I'm anxious to listen to the MAC podcast and compare 1 Tim 6 sermon notes. An interesting note brought up was the story of Jacob and the whole wife-swapping episode with Laban. I've never thought about it quite like this before, but that was a serious case of injustice and Jacob was probably infuriated about it. Laban told him that if he worked for another 7 years, he could marry Rachel as well, which doesn't really make things better, probably worse in fact. But this is what we know about those years, where Jacob was living with the knowledge that he was deceived and he did not deserve to be working for Laban. We don't hear about him trying to get back or sulking; only that his love for Rachel made 7 years seem like no time at all. This gives me strength to live in this old, tired world, where "injustice" runs ramped, and it seems like the only thing that anyone does about it is complain about it. Soon and very soon we're going to see the King and may our love make the time seem to be only a few days...

He's got the whole world...

Aunque mis ojos
No te puedan ver
Te puedo sentir
Se que estas aqui

Aunque mis manos
No puedan tocar
Tu rostro señor
Se que estas aqui

Mi corazon puedo sentir tu presencia
Tu estas aqui
Puedo sentir tu majestad
Tu estas aqui

Mi corazon puedo mirar tu hermosura
Tu estas aqui
Puedo sentir tu gran amor
Tu estas aqui

Illuminated

Notre grand amour est mort il faut le vêtir de blanc...

Les grandes amours sont frêles
Elles vacillent avec le temps
Les grandes amours chancellent
Les grandes amours sont folles
Elles sont folles de leur tourment
Les grandes amours cruelles.

A test tomorrow, meetings all week, coffee with friends, dinner dates, nourishing joy, sweet life.

Thoughts of: friendship, the one-sides, the risks we take, the "Yes'" and "No's" we tell each other, the drifting, honesty, and the contentment of letting go. I have a sad story, but all is not lost. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice... The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Oh that's right

18 bullet holes in the body of a priest
They say he was eating a hot dog when the ammunition was released.
They say he was always fat and lazy but he was an awfully nice guy.
That’s just one more death to show you you never know when you’re gonna die.
You might be facing the beast

Sometimes, God, I feel like I’m living in a bone grinding mill
And every time I hear the sound I can barely stand still
It’s a thing I can’t quite make out sometimes but it seems to keep getting louder-
One more body from the valley of the dry bones getting ground up into powder
Against Your holy will

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here
Why don’t You come and help me out?
Cause I can’t even see clear

The funny thing about the way a girl gets destroyed
About the way that deal goes down
Is that everybody pretty much sees it coming at the sister
From all the way across town
And she isn’t always blinded, she isn’t always far astray
She just might not be thinking, she might be having a bad day
But when you choose, you choose, and when you drown, you drown

Last night I dreamed that You swallowed me into Yourself
And I was floating on the sea inside
When I landed on the shore, I saw all these people that I thought had died
I hadn’t seen some of them for ages
They had left without a single word
And when I said something to them, not a single one of them had heard

They were all looking right through everything like it wasn’t even there
Some were full of anger, some full of fear
And then I recognized that something very sad
But very beautiful was happening right here
They were all caught outside standing alone in a very heavy rain
And when a raindrop landed on my tongue
I didn’t need You to explain
That these were Your tears

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here
Oh, that’s right, You know so well
One thorny crown, three nails, and a spear
One thorny crown, three nails, and a spear

Why are you so downcast o my soul?

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
Know there's nothing that I can't abide

When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your Light Lord,
And send forth Your Truth
Let them guide me to Your Holy Place
Then will I go to the Altar of God
To my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Why are You so downcast o my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
My Savior, my King
My Savior, my King

When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Indiana Amy and the Return in IN

Aaaaand she's back.

I found the most peculiar website. It gives you a verse for your birthday. The site says "Our team spent countless hours searching the Bible for the perfect verse for each day of the year. Claim your verse, study it, memorize it and share it with others. But most of all, allow God to reveal Himself to you through your BIRTHVERSE." Kinda horriscope-ish, but oh well. Here's mine. Мне нравится:

Deuteronomy 5:29 NIV
Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever.