Thursday, April 3, 2008

Playing Life

Coming back from Russia has been gradual. Monday and Tuesday I felt nothing. It was strange and those days went by very fast. Then, my group met last night to talk about how we're doing. It wasn't a required meeting but everyone came. People said some good things. Things to make me think. I've been thinking of things today and here's what I'm thinking...

1. I feel like I'm "playing life" here. Like I'm waiting for something real to come along, and in the mean time I'm just pretending. It worries me because I feel like I'm not learning any real life skills. I'm becoming unreal, absorbing the emotions of this body and speaking a strange language people from outside don't understand. It also worries me that I fade out... Every time I leave and especially when I go home or see my family, or people from the old days, these dreams rush back and I wonder who I am kidding. The same thing happens about this place too, though not nearly as strong.

2. I being part of a team. For the first time in my life I actually feel some incentive to go join a mission-type organization. Regardless of how prideful I felt at times, I really did get close the people in my Russia group, as well as the children. It hurts to be apart from that. Somehow this worries me too because it makes me question friendships I've had for years. How is it that in some ways, I feel closer to these people I didn't even know existed 3 months ago than people I've known for 4 years? Through several experiences, I've learned that I like having a group of friends with individual relationships that fluctuate on the deep scale, but a large group dynamic based on similar experiences and especially traveling together. That's one of the main things I've learned since coming to college. Like the extrovert thing, I didn't have the opportunity earlier in life to be in a real group. Now I have and I've loved it.

Perhaps more articulate thoughts will come to me... But now I need to focus on the impending homework... God, remove me.

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