Wednesday, December 3, 2008

senioritis.

"Why am I still here?" I've asked this question several times this semester, as I walk from Fairlane to campus, from the chapel to the dc, from class to class, and from Reade to the prayer chapel.

Yet, for the first time this entire semester, I woke up thinking "I wish I was graduated!" It's a sad morning when the first thing in your mind is a four letter colorful metaphor in response to the time being half an hour after the start of your first class. I've almost had it. I've got a lot going on and probably won't sleep much till Saturday evening because of 3 papers, but even more it's the whole "You can't leave us, Amy! We're gonna miss you so much!" You're all breaking my heart! I don't know what to want! I want to stay here and be a student and be forever wrapped in the feeling I had as I walked through the Marion Christmas lights on Monday... love and acceptance. security and certainty...

Even more, I had a meeting about student teaching last night, and I left it with the what-have-I-gotten-myself-into feeling... another Soc Studies Ed guy sitting next to me was assigned locally, with two teacher I've observed with. They were both amazing women, great teachers, and acted as mentors to me. He is going to have a fantastic semester. Knowing that that could have been me, I can't help but second guess the decision to go to Indianapolis... I know deep down that this, for better or worse, is the decision I needed to make, but it's still scary with all the unknowns.


This song has also been floating through my head constantly...

I built a palace I built it to scale
Alone in a jungle of thunder and hale
I walked all the hallways I was amazed
I was the lost one you couldn't save

I have the message
I have the intent
In my back pocket waiting to send
To those I've forgotten
Or left long ago
Will you return oh will you ever know

I built a shed
I built it to scale
Alone but not lonely
Afraid but not scared
I walk the alleys
I am amazed
Could I be the last one you ever change?

There are two kinds of people
They both spin a tale
Complex as a web
Or straight as a nail
So let me be sorry and let me be straight
I ripped through the web but the hour is late

PS. It made me feel better to order my cap and gown today :-)

4 comments:

Ian Kee said...

it's senioritis not seniorisis, amy.

but anyways, i know what you mean, i've got the same thing growing a bit more.

indiana.amy said...

You are right, Ian. I cannot spell. I hope they still let me gradumacate...

jesse elisabeth said...

i luv you <3

a lot.

and you're going to be FABULOUS in indy...i wish i was in your class. cept that i hate social studies :P

Ian Kee said...

it's graduate, not gradumacate. ;)

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